Rule #1- you want to be there, no matter how inconvenient the logistics and frustrating the people… it’s a ritual, belonging, family is family 🤷‍♀️

Rule #3- “the story” is *never* the full story… even from seemingly disinterested third parties. Everyone has an angle or alliance or blood feud they’re prosecuting by stirring the pot and inciting a fight

Rule #2- everything is taken personally and everyone gossips while simultaneously decrying gossip & drama … also nothing is ever forgotten and someone is probably snapping pics when you really wish they wouldn’t… Yes that will come back to haunt you

Rule #5- someone is always newly sober and someone is always raucously *not*; someone is always mid-divorce and someone is always introducing a new romantic partner (who is always quietly appalled lol, sorry!) Basically, toughen up & it’s not about you

Rule #4- you’re at least partially responsible for the behavior of your immediate family, even if you’re opposed to their behavior and trying to stop them / clean up the mess / apologize to others

Rule #7- it’s not a real party unless someone is hauled away in tears and someone else is stuck in the bathroom regretting their choices

Rule #6- the more obviously stupid the idea the more enthusiastic ppl will be: more lighter fluid? Lfg! New roller skates in a room full of breakables? Hell yea! Train wreck, after last time’s broken toe? It’s tradition!!!

Rule #9- all of the above doesn’t matter, you love these ridiculous damn people even as you think they’re each a disaster in their own special way, and they feel the same about you.

Rule #8- everything is competitive and everyone is keeping score- who brought the most expensive gift? Who gained 10 lbs? who had the most obnoxiously smarmy Christmas letter about their perfect kid? And who’s letter was suspiciously short to elide a bad year?