i had a good childhood ... at the same time, my parents intentionally taught me to be independent and not trust that anyone else would provide for my needs, from infancy ... idk how to recalibrate to be interdependent rather than independent without feeling scared of abandonment
recently had an experience reminiscent of crying myself to sleep as an infant when i wanted to be held ... feels awful to be that vulnerable and needy
and like, i can accept gifts & help & affection when they're discretionary, when it doesn't feel *necessary*, when i have control over some independent backup plan ... money & phone is often the plan- being able to leave a situation & buy food / shelter / transportation