and i think it's more about the future than the past, but past informs future- like, did i do something stupid or embarrassing that will result in someone judging me? have i left things undone & feel dread of eventual repercussions or having to do them in a hurry?
it would be more comfortable if i felt more in control of my life and confident that i am doing what i need to be doing, planning what needs planning, so then my mind doesn't have this restless worry about unknowns & sense of ongoing failure
otoh when i was younger i was very neurotic & organized w to do lists i'd complete, but running on anxiety & caffeine i'd burn out and end up super depressed in bed for days feeling shame about dropping my obligations... having minimized obligations is better than that