and it may seem just cute n silly but receiving money as gifts makes me feel a lot of mixed emotions... both joyful feeling cared for and like maybe i could relax into it? and also anxious "no you need to be independent!" from my upbringing and also twist of guilt about whether i…

and like maybe i don't really *need* it financially but otoh exploring the emotions is good ... esp because i think i play out my parents when i'm on the other side of it, giving but w a lot of judgement & like "you should be independent" vibes

i've received large gifts from my family that come w obligations; openly yes there are strings attached.... to sign paperwork, to attend meetings, to save money and pay the associated taxes, to be *in* for many decades of this stuff... it is net positive for us both and i don't…

maybe this is why gifts of money specifically give me anxiety.... i'm accustomed to there being strings in the form of tax obligations to pay months to years later