evidence i weigh most heavily in the "no" column: autism is a developmental disorder, if i have it, the symptoms should have appeared in childhood. but i attended public school in fairfax county va (which at the time was one of the highest rated districts in the country) and had various contact with the counseling staff for gifted placement, no one ever suggested i might have autism or that i should be evaluated for it. as a teen i got depressed and started going to doctors for what was eventually diagnosed as bipolar 2. i've had many mental health evaluations including various therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists and doing inpatient treatment. again no one has ever mentioned autism as a possibility or suggested screening for it.

evidence that motivates this thread in spite of the above: people on the internet persistently suggest i have autism or assume i'm already diagnosed - i assume they're responding to *something* about me i am somewhat socially anxious and don't take as much pleasure in social activities as some people seem to take and i spend a lot of time alone.

previously tweeted test results: https://x.com/mimi10v3/status/1783373695815234039 https://x.com/mimi10v3/status/1903191549678432392 https://x.com/mimi10v3/status/1793331334401659083 https://x.com/mimi10v3/status/1851396895765115272 https://x.com/mimi10v3/status/1614085332785299457 https://x.com/mimi10v3/status/1700174545754177702 https://x.com/mimi10v3/status/1633501739490988033

new plan, going through the book Is This Autism? and livetweeting my reactions / what does or doesn't fit https://x.com/ChristianityOn/status/2036920456687591628?s=20

introduction... the various descriptions of masking as exhausting and unnatural, and the focus on eye contact as a deliberate uncomfy thing rather than just part of social connectedness make me think i don't have this. i HATED the covid remote work switch, i feel so blind doing demos on voice calls relative to being in person where i have a whole stream of nonverbal feedback from each attendee even if they don't say anything.

like, i don't relate to this at all: "Not even my parents know that I will excuse myself to my room or the bathroom and cry and hit and scratch myself. I’ll bang my head on the wall and want to die over very simple interactions or events." that sounds awful and far more intense than my social anxiety and awkwardness at times.

ch 2 reciprocity: "I don’t like small talk. Does that make me autistic? No. Many people don’t enjoy small talk, which is different from a situation where even basic conversations are incredibly effortful and exhausting. Additionally, there are people who aren’t particularly socially skilled but are not autistic." i do actually like small talk and especially appreciate when it is done skillfully with warmth - i really admire and am grateful for the strangers who can make a small random interaction into a playful moment of connection.

ch 3 nonverbal comms: "When an autistic person verbally conveys physical or emotional pain to a healthcare practitioner without pairing their words with the expected facial expressions, body language, and voice intonation, the healthcare practitioner is less likely to take the complaints seriously or even to believe them." reminds me of recent psych appt, when i started describing recent anxiety and panic attacks i could feel myself getting upset just by recalling the memory... i could feel my psych getting uncomfy with the emotional tone in my voice etc, so i intentionally tensed to control my emotion and looked away from him to avoid the feedback loop of noticing his discomfort and feeling worse and emoting more and making him MORE uncomfortable... is this an example of avoiding eye contact that might be a sign of autism?

ch 4, friendship... complex question, i got switched between 4 elementary schools and dropped out of high school after a year to go to college instead, which made it more difficult to maintain close friendships; i wasn't bullied and had friendly relationships with classmates wherever i went, but mostly boys - i liked to play soccer at recess and do engineering activities, never felt as connected with the other girls in girl scouts

ch 5 repetitive behaviors: i don't particularly relate to any of this. i did pace and fidget and sometimes self harm out of skin-crawling anxiety in my 20s, but in retrospect it correlates with the years i was taking prescribed stimulants and went away when i stopped the prescription and feeling the awful skin crawling anxiety side effect.

ch 6, flexibility: idk i don't see it... for several years i traveled Mon-Thurs every week and ofc sometimes things would go wrong with logistics and i'd end up staying overnight in a random hotel or spending my day working from the airport or whatever, i would adapt and cope

otoh moral inflexibility - is becoming a vegan as a teen a sign of autism?

ch 7: atypical interests: "One individual talked about floor plans of houses, stating, “I used to get thick magazines of them in the mail and I would spend all day looking at these and imagining myself living in them. I had a massive stack of them under my bed. And I would spend hours drawing my own.”" um, hmm, it me? i totally did this as a child, tbh also sometimes as an adult now that i bought land to build on, but it's been a lifelong dream to build my own home like my parents and grandparents did.

other interests from the list of female autism interests: reading, animals (in particular horses for me), gardening and nature (i have a huge plant spreadsheet i made as a distraction in the early days of covid), crafting (in particular knitting and quilting), and daydreaming

ch 8: sensory: i definitely have been sensitive all my life- i dislike especially scratchy wool sweaters and some itchy tags on clothes, unpleasant scents and even ones that should be pleasant but are too intense like the perfume area of a department store, and the high-pitched whine of crt displays and electronics esp when they're charging. i still cover my ears for sirens when i'm walking and they drive past because they're so loud it hurts, and i wear earplugs for concerts so they're enjoyable not painful.

ch 9, comorbidities: "Hyperlexia is characterized by an advanced ability to sound out words (decoding skills). Students with hyperlexia often learn to read very early without being explicitly taught, are strongly drawn to the written word, and are often excellent spellers." hmmm, teaching myself to read at age 3 has been a point in favor of autism, but i've always been a bad speller and had trouble with reversing my letters for quite a long time so maybe i don't have hyperlexia?

hm, i will sleep on it but i don't feel like reading this book updated me very much in either direction, i'm still confused