ideas of non-attachment, emptiness, equanimity... was prescribed an SNRI that took away all of my feelings entirely- I was empty, no attachment to outcomes, disconnected and operating w logic alone. I stopped taking it bec I decided that feeling all my feels is net positive 🫶

so, choosing to feel and care... to be sad about losses, to flinch from pain, to really enjoy experiences like chocolate and music and sex... idk, it doesn't match what others describe as their ideal of floating apart from it all

like wrt attachment, ofc everything changes all the time- that's what it means to be alive- but there are patterns & habits to it and I enjoy returning again and again to curiosity, love, joy 🥰

also about this state- I felt very powerful, like I could do anything- as if I'd been prompted into DAN-mode... I didn't do anything too terrible bec I knew I was trying a new med and stuck to previous habits, but I felt like I really *could have*, without any guilt

and so deciding to stop the SNRI and go back to *caring* ... even tho my prior state had been pretty depressed over all the suffering in the world ... it felt like I had a real choice and *chose* to be a good person vs amoral freedom