I both hate when ppl have weird vibes w me and yet mostly do this when I dislike someone... does seem inconsistent n a place for personal growth maybe? but like, I also find that my feelings shift quite a bit as I get to know someone so I hate to be too aggro too soon

also I sometimes do the overly nice thing- instinctive cozying up to anyone who might be a threat, ig related to past trauma, anything else creates anxiety- if I block them I'm disconnected from what they might be planning, if I'm open abt my dislike they could hurt me...

but most of the time I withdraw and act weird without blocking them... have tried to be more straightforward at times, but that often feels bad in retrospect too... like that I started drama I wish I'd avoided...

I feel like highbie status does play a role from my side- I'm more scared to start drama w someone who's much more popular and could dunk on me, but also see edgy jokes n negging sometimes get replies so it's tempting too...

both of these motivations & trying to compensate for them turn up the emotional heat, which then simmers in GCs where I argue for n against my dislike of particular accounts, trying to work out why they *irritate* me and compare notes w frens...

I guess some ppl would condemn it all as gossip but I think gossip serves a purpose when honestly done (ie not spreading lies) of aligning community norms?

and also I've noticed ppl w high social status actually gossip a lot!! even while condemning gossip at the same time!! so my theory is "gossip is bad" is actually to punish ppl who do it poorly - disclose secrets, trust untrustworthy ppl, not grok the whole social web...

all of which ties back to Sociopaths in Our Community Discourse of recent weeks, bec when I feel weird about someone am I actually picking up that they're dangerous to me or frens? am I working thru triggered past trauma? am I projecting something I dislike abt myself?

imo it's good to try to clarify my feelings internally / w frens before going public / to them directly abt it (lol not that I've always done this, but it goes bad when I don't!) and in the interim I act weirdly towards them bec of the internal conflict & repressed dislike

and w social media sometimes the conclusion is just 🤷‍♀️ idk, not enough data, wait n see... so sometimes I have these quiet dislikes for quite some time, waiting till the evidence accumulates to confirm or challenge my initial feelings