anxiety too fleeting to work with but nonetheless i think it shapes my behavior... it only rises to awareness for a short time at least 🤔 not a pleasant thing to dig into / don't want to create it by chasing it .... otoh better to figure it out on my time than in a crisis?
it's something like... trying to "be present in the now", to deal w what's immediate rather than ruminating about the past or fantasizing about the future... overall good practice but the way i'm doing it is somewhat w aversion & tension to push away memories & anticipation
which creates standing tension of memories & anticipation + repression of them, w adhd-like result of grasping for stimulation in the present to stay away from past/future anxiety
and i think it's more about the future than the past, but past informs future- like, did i do something stupid or embarrassing that will result in someone judging me? have i left things undone & feel dread of eventual repercussions or having to do them in a hurry?
it would be more comfortable if i felt more in control of my life and confident that i am doing what i need to be doing, planning what needs planning, so then my mind doesn't have this restless worry about unknowns & sense of ongoing failure
otoh when i was younger i was very neurotic & organized w to do lists i'd complete, but running on anxiety & caffeine i'd burn out and end up super depressed in bed for days feeling shame about dropping my obligations... having minimized obligations is better than that
but the past months of intentionally minimal planning have shown i'm not content w the limitations of that lifestyle and I'm living on savings it isn't sustainable
also there's a different flavor of fear that comes from finishing things and having literally nothing to do - a sense of freedom but also emptiness & lack of purpose when my house is clean and books are read and emails are sent and etc etc ... so far from current state that it's tough to remember but i have been there before