it's too easy to kinda suck in corrosive little ways, build up discontentment, break up, and tell yourself "they weren't the one, i should be more selective next time" and go back to yearning

i have 4 fundamentalist cousins who all dated and married good partners via their trad culture (still, dc, they all have college degrees and married in their mid 20s) and i think there's some merits to how it used to work

being part of that community is a different lifestyle- you're held to higher standards and expected to give a lot to other community members, there's a dense network of relations and gossip flows quickly to update reputation, which then determines the benefits you receive

one of the weirder phenomena- kids were generally expected to move out at 18, but simultaneously they'd often move into the basement of another church family who were friends of their parents. the density of working for and living with each other creates a lot of basis for gossip…

so then dating. there's lots of "youth" and "young adult" church-sponsored social events where you meet all the other singles and asking each other out is encouraged both generally and with specific nudges when someone thinks you'd be compatible. the women are much less guarded…

people date lightly at first- fun daytime activities, double date with friends, flirtatiously get to know each other while gossiping about their dates with friends and family who encourage/discourage the match depending. many of the dates are "meh" fizzles, but they're low…

dating this way allows women to stay in an open receptive mindset- pressure for sex is restrained by community norms so they're not continually asserting boundaries and saying no. friends and family will encourage matches with "good guys" and talk up their less visible virtues,…

anyway, so, when couples get serious they spend a lot of time doing things together in the community- they'll be asked to run events and babysit for other families. there's pressure on the guy to propose if they seem happy together and for engagements to last months not years

and marriages are taken seriously as a commitment, by the community as well as the individuals involved. the memes are that marriage is tough but worth it, to not speak ill of your spouse, to be loving and gentle with each other, to be patient and forgiving, to speak with…

starting with a small known dating pool of peers is very different than an endless ocean of anonymous Other on an app- you aren't searching for a needle in a haystack, you're spending time with all your options and pursuing sparks when you feel them, trying to build a partnership